🩸 An Elegant, Mocking Appraisal from Count Strahd von Zarovich
“The real hunter always has backup…
How precious.”
 
Ah… Ivor Agusto.
Your determined little Artificer—
muscles taut, weapons polished, spirit unbroken.
And beside him, towering like a forged titan, his beloved steel ape: Caeser, all gears and power and glowing arcane lines,
ever loyal, ever vigilant, ever ready to smash something (or someone) in Ivor’s defense.
 
It warms my cold, ancient heart to witness such devotion.
Truly, it does.
 
Now behold the shirt you mortals have created in their honor:
a proud banner proclaiming:
 
“THE REAL HUNTER ALWAYS HAS BACKUP”
 
A sentiment that is…
adorably accurate.
 
For what is a hunter without his companion?
What is courage without reinforcement?
What is hope without something—anything—to stand between it and the darkness?
 
And yet…
no matter how mighty your steel beast,
no matter how determined your craftsman-warrior,
they still believe they can stand against me.
 
That, mortal, is what makes this shirt truly entertaining.
 
To wear it is to celebrate ingenuity, loyalty, and defiance—
a declaration that even when the night grows long,
even when the shadows stretch wide,
even when Barovia itself tightens around them,
your adventurers will not face the darkness alone.
 
I commend the spirit.
Even as I savor the futility.
 
🦇 Crafted for Comfort—Even Hunters Deserve Soft Fabric
 
100% combed and ring-spun cotton — softer than the fur upon my nightmare steed
Heather colors blended with polyester for reinforced durability
Fabric weight: 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²) — breathable enough for chase, combat, or crafting
Pre-shrunk fabric — unlike the hopes of those who challenge me
Side-seamed construction — tailored for a heroic silhouette
Shoulder-to-shoulder taping — reinforced like Caeser’s steel plating
Sourced responsibly from Guatemala, Nicaragua, Mexico, Honduras, or the US
 
This shirt feels resilient, comfortable, and battle-ready—far more so than most adventurers who dare enter my realm.
 
🌑 Forged Only When Summoned
 
This garment is created only after you command it,
just as Ivor creates his inventions with care and purpose.
No overflowing stockpiles.
No needless waste.
Each piece is deliberate—
a single stroke of craftsmanship.
 
You summon the shirt.
But always remember—
I summon the Mists.
 
🛡️ Mortal Reassurances (Though They Will Not Save You…)
 
Age Restrictions: Adults
EU Warranty: 2 years
Fully compliant with GPSR and all EU safety regulations
 
For matters untainted by curses, steel failures, or vampiric doom, contact:
📧 gpsr@sindenventures.com
📬 337 Burr Oak Circle, Cary, IL 60013
📬 Markou Evgenikou 11, Mesa Geitonia, 4002, Limassol, Cyprus
 
🩸 “Wear this symbol of loyalty, mortal.
Celebrate your artificer and his iron beast.
But remember—
no backup in the world
can save them from me.”